Oh No Not Her!

Last night was dying down quickly at work and I wasn’t closing so I figured maybe once my two remaining tables left I would be heading out early around 10PM. One had paid and the other was sharing a dessert. Optimistically I would be out in 15 minutes or so I thought!

Then a table of two walked in at 9:45 and I was assigned to it. Okay so maybe not 10PM.

I didn’t see them when they walked in but when I glanced over all I could hear in my head were the themes from the Twilight Zone and Outer Limits all at once. You see I really like my job and like the people but this table is probably one of a handful throughout the years that I would if I could happily pass off to another. They usually come in late on Sundays to begin with. Here is how the conversation goes with this couple and check it out for yourself.

Me : Hi how are you doing?
Her : Oh hi , you’re Steve right , great.
Me : ( avoiding conversation the best I can ) Yes it is , what can I get you to drink?
Her : My husband it’s his birthday today. Right dear , yea it is his birthday today. Get him an Ice Tea , no ice with lemon and lime wedges. She then clutches the wine list.
Me : How about you ? A glass of the Chilean Merlot like last time?
Her : Yes I like a Chile Merlot but let me look while you get his Ice Tea and oh yeah no straw with it.

I come back with the Ice Tea and as predicted she orders the Chilean Merlot.

Now comes the food order part. I mention the features.

Now here is the salad order.Get this. They always order a House Salad but with about 90% Romaine Lettuce and the rest a mix of other salad greens , with no onion , dressing on the side , split in half on two plates. Then when you bring it they will then ask because you didn’t remind them that they want some parmesan cheese on the side. Then you bring that and the ratio of romaine is not quite right so you have to bring them more romaine.

The main course isn’t so hard except it goes something like this.

Her : It’s your birthday and I am buying you dinner. What about the sirloin?
Him: Yes that sounds alright.
Her : I am buying so go ahead treat yourself. What about the big size sirloin?
Him : Well…..
Her : Go on! Why don’t you get the big sirloin.
Him : Okay.
Her : Why don’t you have the Teriyaki Sirloin? Go on it’s your birthday.
Him : Okay maybe I will try that. Okay he repeats looking my way.

Me to her : Would you like the rice with that?
Her : I like the rice. I always have rice when I come here.
Me : So then it is the rice?
Her : No I had rice last night. I want something substantive though.
Me : Then have the Baked Potato.
Her : But I will have lots of chives with it.
Me : Okay but wondering if she likes green onion on the potato and he is allergic to onions why are they then wanting green onions on their potatoes. I don’t ask in any case.

He finishes his salad and she puts the rest of hers to the side.Remember that for later.

Main course comes out. Everything is good.Thankfully.

She now wants a glass of the Californian Merlot. I get it.

During the meal if you walk by she will give you something to take away. She is a neat freak.

Now for his birthday we get them an Apple Crumble for dessert. They devour it.

Now her order after that is this.

Her : What kind of herbal teas do you have?

After telling her this is her order.

I will have Peppermint Tea with some honey but don’t bring any milk though. I don’t need that.


Now she has her peppermint tea with honey and she is sharing the dessert with her poor husband while also eating her leftover salad and then she orders another glass of Merlot.

Think of that combination. Peppermint tea with honey , Merlot , Apple Crumble , and salad.

Now it is the bill time. It is like watching a surgeon do an operation.

I bring the credit card and visa to be filled out with pen. She goes over it carefully going through the numbers in her head. I walk by and she is using her own pen and she says she has to use it so she can give me a good tip. She says she is an obsessive compulsive and has to use her own pen. I have no idea now what an obsessive compulsive is but if there is an example this is it I guess.

Finally after 10 minutes or so she has filled it out. Now get this the bill came to $86.54 and she leaves $12.46 to total it off at $99.00. Now tell me why wouldn’t you just round it off to an even 100? That is how anal this person is. Just drives me nuts thinking about what it would even be like to spend a day with this person.

Now I have to wait till they leave. They sit there and I see the busboy walk by and she stops him to load her now empty salad dish into his buspan and teapot. They sit there and as usual they start getting into an argument over something and you can guess he never started it. She is constantly jabbering at him. He gets up and takes a breather to go to the washroom.

It is now 11:30 and I have to throw them out. Even the closer has gone home. I go up there and mention we are closing in a few minutes.

I skipped the take out container episode etc. that happened earlier just because I would sooner forget it.

Finally they leave and I am relieved!


  1. OH NO, TERIYAKI SIRLOIN!I used to work for a Canadian Franchise down here in Texas…good Steakhouse, well managed.I even got to go to sarnia, then Toronto to check out what they did with their Salad Bar up there…that was back when Salad Bars ruled the world.Hey Waiter!

  2. Bulletholes..thanks for the reply. I remember salad bars ruled the day as well. Now this steakhouse has no salad bar where I am thank goodness! A while ago people would go up and empty the salad bar for $7.99 or some cheap price then ask for the check. That and a glass of water and you are not looking at much of a tip!Hey Chef!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: